Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
