im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
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