Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Someone shattered a urinal.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
