if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize