dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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