did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
The best revenge is premature balding
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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