I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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