my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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