So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I got inside last night via doggy door
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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