if you like me you must not know who I am
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
