I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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