I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
