Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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