dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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