How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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