I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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