When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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