OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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