My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
