Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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