His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
