I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
