i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
