The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
