My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You may now shotgun with the bride
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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