if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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