Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
