for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
