Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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