my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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