"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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