you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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