I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Randomize
