Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Randomize
