The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize