i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
