so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
Small penises have feelings too.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
