Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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