I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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