And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Randomize
