I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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