I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
