what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize