Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
