Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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