I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
