I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
