You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
did you just send me my own nude
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
