At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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