pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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