I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
