me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
