My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
