I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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