Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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