Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I fill condoms, not promises.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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