I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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