i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
