Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
