i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize