I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
