I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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